Much of life is shaped by the choices we make. We choose where we want to work and where we will live. We choose friends and partners. Most of us also choose who we marry if we choose to marry. When we commit to someone, typically we are agreeing not only to commit to them, but to what—and who—they bring with them. In many cases, My son is dating white trash members are part of what a partner brings to a committed, long-term relationship. And although we can choose our partner, we cannot choose their family.
The couple is establishing and strengthening their own relationship and making their own life choices. If these choices conflict with what the parents envisioned for their child, the parents may perceive this as rejectionwhich can put strain on the relationship.
Parents who miss their child and want to have more of a relationship may seem pushy or over-involved. Any of other reasons may serve to complicate this particular relationship. All rights reserved. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above.
Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. You just have to make the commitment to the marriage or relationship and remember that you are with your partner and not the parents.
Search our blog
They may be part of his life but they do not have to be an ever present part of yours. These people will be your family now too so regardless of whether they are your favorites or not, you have to find a way to get along with them just for the sake of your partner.
You can love your partner and not have anything i n common with the parents. I did not up to marry his family, I intend to marry him and spend my life with him. I have enough to juggle with an ex and shared custody.
Something tells me that you have never been in a situation where this has truly happened to you? Have you ever been bullied by your in laws? I sure have and I think it all depends on the degree of what is going on. I do not welcome anyone in my life who has bad intentions or wants to bully me. Sam — part of acting like an adult means living your values and making your own decisions. I applaud anyone who loves and respects themselves enough to stand up and say, no more. Could you at least try talking things out with them?
It might not be the perfect solution and for some it may work and then again it might not. But then you at least know that you tried and your family knows that you tried to make peace with them. What they then choose to do with that is something that they will then have to learn to live with, you have done what you believe is the right thing to do. My in laws have actually grown on me a little bit over the years. I am sure that I was not their first choice but I think that as they have come to see how much I do love their daughter and she loves me than we have My son is dating white trash slowly been able to reach a compromise sort of relationship.
What to do when you don’t like your partner’s parents
They will never be the folks that I would choose to vacation with and I think that they feel the same, but you know, there is that common thread in that we all love their daughter, my wife, so that is the glue that finally sealed us all together in that common bond. I have seriously known people who have let the in laws dictate how their whole relationship was going to or not going to evolve and those little things like that can very much take a toll on any relationship. To let someone on the outside dictate to you and your ificant other what you relationship should look like is wrong and pretty much says My son is dating white trash there are people more important than you are in their lives.
I just happen to think that a relationship should be about the two people in it and those on the outside should not have any control over it. I seriously know people who have split up over this very issue. I am close to my family too but I had to make my husband my top priority when we married. Why is that so hard to understand?
Are there any articles relating My son is dating white trash morther in laws? My marriage is in crisis as my husband has left and moved back home with his parents. I never knew this. Life was hard with for him, with my evolving illness following a major spinal surgery and 4 months ago my mother was diagnosised with end of life cancer and im are juggling pallative care.
But hes just bailed. In trying to encourage reconcilation counselling — everything goes through his mam. He cannot make a decision now checking everything with her. Hes 50she At a time of losing my own mother best friend in coming weeks. Hi Helen, I understand how frustrated and sad you must feel. I lost my temper earlier today with my other half and I told him that my dad never had to buy anybody and people loved him.
Nice article containing very valuable balanced and healthy relationship principles that can be applied to any relationship. We need more articles like this from the psychology profession circulating out here in cyberspace, and less of those dominating the landscape that focus on dissecting, labeling, measuring, diagnosing and cutting-off relationships.
What if every time you see your ificant others family you get sick because of how they live and you have a one year old son who gets sick because his grandmother on d side never showers. But every time my boyfriend tells me he is going to see them by himself, it just causes friction between us. It really frustrates me that I react in such a way and need to find a way to keep a lid on my feelings, but I am struggling to find a way of doing so.
Does anyone have any advice? My ex had no backbone to protect me against their vileness and allowed it too long. He was a 35 year old little boy and i feel he liked the role of mummys little boy so he could gain truly toxic dynamics.
Sadly, I have to say that there are situations in which all the advice in the world about trying to get on with the in-laws is a complete waste of time. These are the situations where a person has followed the common-sense steps suggested e.
I noted that in the comments above there is somebody asking about what to do with a troublesome mother-in-law relationship. Some mothers-in-law I believe just go out of their way to make life hell for their daughter-in-law. I suspect this is due to the neediness and narcissism of the mother-in-law concerned, and also due probably to the fact that her son is struggling to separate his life from that of mammy dearest. Not all mother and son relationships are unhealthy, but some are, and in these the mother-in-law i.
A mother-in-law like this will believe nobody is good enough for her son, and will see herself as the perfect role model. SHE expects to come first, and demands to be treated like a matriarch which is probably how she sees herself.
I have such a mother-in-law and can seemingly do nothing right in her eyes. She is nosy wanting to know all my personal business, which if I do not tell her, she asks my husband about. Any gossip she can get about me, and my relationship with her son, she will try to get hold of from friends, other family members, acquaintances, colleagues. She is intrusive.
She used regularly to just turn up unannounced, and if we said we were busy she treated this like a personal insult. She would expect us to drop everything, even if we had plans, just to entertain her. So, we asked if she could maybe phone before she came round, to see if we were free. Did she phone? Did she heck as like!
She just kept on turning up unannounced. So, we firmly told her the rule — to phone. Still no joy! Then we said how about we set a day, or evening, per week that she can meet with us. So we can plan a get-together this worked fine for MY mother, who always phoned anyhow before visiting, even though she had a set day to visit.
My son is dating white trash had been offered ways to see us, but refused. She did not seem to care one iota about the inconvenience caused by her unannounced visits. I was incensed by this, because it was so rude to go have this conversation with my mother, but not with me. This reminded me of her former behaviour towards me, where she had felt threatened by the fact that I was better qualified and educated than her son.
When my in-laws got to know about my fertility issues, were they supportive and caring? No chance! My in-laws also continued with their unpleasant comments about career women. Now I am doing postgraduate study, and they literally cannot bear this! They clearly blame me for the fact my husband and I have no children.
I feel that I would only ever be able to get on with them provided I gave up on my studies and any other similar ambitions or goals that I might have. The thing with a person like this is that you can try whatever you want to attempt to have a good relationship, but it makes no difference.
Their ability to manipulate and twist the truth, to warp words and to gossip is phenomenal. As is their inability to see that they are doing anything at all wrong or offensive. A person like this will try to paint you as blacker than black, and paint themselves as whiter than white, even when they are clearly acting in a despicable manner.
And they SPY on you like I said above. I suspect this is because they MAY be aware, somehow, that they are doing something wrong, but they are so desperate to hide it that they have to basically STALK the person they are gossiping about and horrible to in order to find out whether that person has said anything that suggests they are likely to take action against them.