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Codependency is a sensitive issue, as it involves feelings of insecurity, low self-worth, shame, and guilt. Approaching the topic of codependency with friends and family can be incredibly difficult since the loved one most likely already feels ashamed, unworthy of love, and a disappointment. Allowing a codependent relationship to continue, however, will only exacerbate the problem and may do more harm than good.
1. understand what codependency looks like to you
Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard. Many times, issues that may cause problems later, manifest themselves without a couple even realizing. Codependency is one such issue. According to Darlene Lancera marriage and family therapist and author of " Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You ," a person can become codependent because of how they were raised. Of course, being raised in a dysfunctional family by no means guarantees you will be codependent later in life, but for some, it can create this pattern.
s of a codependent partner are not always obvious to spot. According to Dr. Rhodes, oftentimes, the codependent behavior makes the other partner feel good so there is no incentive for them to interfere. Rhodes explained. Here are 10 ways to tell if your partner How to deal with a codependent girlfriend too codependent. It's one thing to do something nice for someone you care about, but it's another to feel like you always have to.
According to Lancer, codependents don't feel they have a choice. Oftentimes, a codependent partner in a relationship will exhibit low self-esteem. According to Lancer, they don't feel a strong sense of self-worth which is one of the reasons they are always aiming to please. For this reason, codependents tend to not express their true feelings or what they're really thinking out of fear that their partner may abandon them.
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They will go above and beyond to meet their partner's needs no matter what it takes. Codependents put others first, which sounds altruistic, but when it's at the cost of your own well-being they are doing more harm for themselves than good.
If a codependent feels any type of abandonment, even if it's something as small as not getting a call from their partner when they said they would, they can quickly shut down. Suddenly, every worst-case scenario about what could have happened to their ificant other is running through their head, when in reality their partner is fine. Chances are, if you're in a serious relationship you and your partner have "couple friends," but it's important to also have your own friends, too.
Rhodes said codependent partners have trouble enjoying life outside of their relationship because they feel safer, more in control, and confident when they're with their ificant other. We all mess up in relationships, but the important thing is to forgive each other and move on. The reason for this, according to Lancer, is that a codependent needs other people's approval to feel good about themselves and if they mess up, or make a mistake, they feel anxiety and stress of abandonment.
Many times, a codependent partner is so crippled, knowingly or not, by the fear of abandonment, the fear that they'll jeopardize the relationship, or won't be liked, that they have a hard time setting boundaries for themselves — physical or emotional. Lancer explained that being in control helps codependents feel safe and secure.
What to do when you realize your partner is codependent
Obviously, we all want to have some amount of control over our lives, but for a codependent partner, staying in control keeps them from having to take risks or share their true feelings. It may be subconscious, but being extra nice and a people-pleaser helps codependents manipulate people and situations the way they feel they need to be. From what to have for dinner to whether or not to take a job offer, a codependent is not good about making decisions, no matter how trivial.
They rely so heavily on their partner's opinions and feelings towards them that they'd rather not have an opinion as not to upset their partner if they should disagree. We all want to be there for the people we love but sometimes life gets in the way and we can't. If a codependent can't be there for their partner, they can feel very distressed. Lancer said this all goes back to the feeling of being in control and low self-esteem.
2. you want to 'fix' your partner
If someone else is helping out their partner in need, no matter how silly the need may be, it will make them feel inadequate. You can only work on changing yourself. Rhodes agreed, "Healthy interdependence is the key. That means that you are emotionally available for your partner but do not rely on them for your feelings of love and overall well-being. We believe that independence is the healthiest state of being when, in reality, a healthy relationship with good interdependence is what we should be striving for. The goal is to focus on yourself. World globe An icon of the world globe, indicating different international options.
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Sara Greenfest. Codependency is when one partner feels an excessive emotional reliance on their partner. Textbook s of codependent personalities are people-pleasing, low self-esteem, and always needing to be in control. According to codependency expert, Darlene Lancer, codependency is a disorder of the self.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Rhodes said the key to a strong relationship is healthy interdependence. They can't say no, ever. They never feel like they're good enough for you. They feel responsible for you. They get upset when they don't hear from you. They can't enjoy themselves without you. They fixate on their mistakes. They have poor personal boundaries. They must always be in control. They're very indecisive. They can't stand not being there for you when you need.
Ultimately codependents must find themselves on their own. Evergreen story.