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Show them how. When I was a teenager, right around the time I knew everything, my mother used to tell me I only remembered the bad things. The same applied to friends and milestones in my life. I chronically remembered and rehashed the worst experiences. In fact, straight through college I followed up every introductory handshake with a dramatic retelling of my life storyfocusing on a laundry list of grievances about people who had done me wrong.

My age: I'm just over sixty

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Posted August 13, Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. You do not have to pretend to be someone else. No one is sitting in judgment.

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Most social situations allow considerable leeway in doing those things that most people are naturally inclined to do—whether it is telling jokes, or pacing around or sitting quietly and listening to others. A person who worries about behaving in just the right way is not likely to behave better—even assuming there is a clear way of behaving better.

This is true most of the time. And trying to behave in any particular way gets in the way of having a good time. During all the stages of growing up, children are told how they should behave in different situations: at school, with siblings, with parents, and so on. They have to see themselves acting in a certain characteristic way towards friends in order to come to understand themselves as a friend.

Similarly, they need to see themselves working in order to get a feel for just what sort of worker they are.

When they begin to date, they begin to view themselves in a particular way, depending on how exactly they behave, and, indeed, how members of the opposite sex treat them. That persona is built up over a period of time until individuals come to recognize themselves as themselves.

Only then can they reliably predict how they will act in certain situations. And there is still more to learn: how to behave properly at weddings, funerals, in formal dining rooms, on a job interview, and when being presented to the Queen. Similarly, when someone goes on a first date, that person has to learn what to say, and when to say it—all of the courtship rituals.

Is it okay to kiss someone goodnight on the first date? These rituals have to be learned. They do not come naturally. As time goes on, as people encounter new situations, they begin to understand themselves more fully by noticing how they feel in that situation, how they behave, and how others react to them.

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And this self-discovery does not stop upon reaching adulthood. Unfortunately, that image is not always as we would like it. Suppose we come to see ourselves as clumsy or ridiculous or just plain unappealing? It is commonplace for people to try to present themselves as if they are more attractive and desirable than they really are. A man may pretend to be urbane, and sophisticated, and poised. A woman puts on makeup carefully to enhance her appearance; and perhaps to obscure cosmetic defects.

Is this a deceit?

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No one would say so, I think, because these behaviors are so familiar and commonplace. But when I wrote a blog post about the desirability, when going on a job interview, of setting out to portray oneself as exactly the person the prospective employer is looking for, having exactly the experience being sought, regardless of the truth of the matter, a headhunter wrote to say this was dishonest.

Putting aside the obvious question about how much dissembling can be sustained, is this behavior dishonorable? Is it ethically proper for a skinny guy How to be like someone else wishes to enter the Air Force to stuff himself with bananas in order to pass the weight test?

I certainly think so. If he gets into that service, he will not be injuring anyone. I think that someone pretending to know Excel, or some other business program, in order to get a job is not going to hurt anyone except in some tortured meaning of that word. And to me, that seems to be the crux of the ethical issue. Is it okay for that same individual, who wants to be a pilot in the Air Force, to memorize the eye chart in order to pass an eye exam? I do not want someone who has bad eyesight flying an airplane.

Embellishing your good traits doesn't mean you're being inauthentic.

So, I think it is not always sensible to settle for being the person we have always considered ourselves to be—but it is not possible, or desirable, to be just anyone. It may be reasonable to pretend on a job interview; but not everywhere else, or generally. On the other hand, it is possible to pretend to be interesting, poised, cooperative, and sympathetic. Certainly, it is possible to pretend to be kinder than you feel naturally, or friendlier.

It is even possible to learn to be charming, but I think that is too much work. It is reasonable, if we are deficient in some important way, to strive to be better—and, along the way, pretend for a while that we are better.

In these matters, we become the people we pretend to be. Persons with a secure sense of themselves can pretend—in certain situations, in certain ways—to be someone a little different without feeling untrue to themselves.

It is like putting on a costume and playing a role—and then, later on, stepping out of the role when the play is over. Some pretenses are very hard to do, or are not worth doing in the first place: I think it is reasonable to sell yourself on a job interview. Once you have the job, you can with an effort become proficient at it.

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I do not think it is reasonable to try to sell yourself to someone you are dating. It is desirable to spend the rest of your life with someone who likes you just the way you are. Fredric Neuman, M. Fredric Neuman M. Fighting Fear. Be Yourself vs. Being Somebody Else Embellishing your good traits doesn't mean you're being inauthentic.

Everyone needs encouragement from time to time. About the Author. Online: Fredric Neuman, M. Read Next. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Personality Passive Aggression Personality Shyness.

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